Saturday, October 29, 2011

ghosts of my god...

The sound of the bell kept playing in my head hours after the aarti got over. It wasn't the first time either, and I knew this won't even be the last. It made me restless. It never let me sleep, made me an insomniac. As I lay wide awake, staring at the fan, the bells kept ringing inside, ready to break out. It went on and on and on, filling every bit of my existence, every bit of space inside me. I screamed, but the bells silenced me once again, never letting my voice out.

I heard them every morning, every evening. Every time I opened my eyes, ever so briefly and looked at the swarm of pious visitors, they watered with pity. I wanted to tell them to go away, to not prostate here. No one lived here, but me. But they kept coming, over and over again, day after day, year after year. Some had been coming here for as long as I lived. But they needed to be stopped, they needed to be told that it was just four walls here; just dead walls, just an empty space, a place with no soul.

I kept thinking this, day after day, a few years after the bells started chasing me. I begged for redemption for my lack of faith, and my little faith failed me again. Giving up on my self and my god, I carried on with life. Maybe I will carry on for years to come, maybe I will scream out loud and close the doors of this space forever. Maybe I will become a believer once again...

For now, I live with my ghosts, with the bells chasing me everywhere...


  1. Wah! Now I can peacefully comment, I interpreted it in three different, the Godly idols are narrating this, second, there is a beggar who lives in the temple and he is the narrator and third, you :)

    Please do not answer, who is the narrator, to me all three make sense in each way...

    Keep going Sid!


  2. Leaves me baffled whether you are using the god in temple as metaphor to echo your own voice or its the both.
    Harsh reality- wonderfully penned down!

  3. There is always turbulence when it is not clear.. Is it the lack of faith or the lack of complete 'lack of faith'?
    Nice read!

  4. brilliant write up!
    an astute sketch of emotional and psychological agony of a person hanging between facts and beliefs.

  5. I'm a little confuse on the narrator part because it sounds like you're talking about yourself?! But it does hit close to home for me. I'm an atheist and I'm constantly haunted by the lack of no faith. My family taunts me all the time about it. At times I feel bad for the lack of it, and at times I just don't give a damn. Great work by the way!

  6. shit! i thought i'll be the first one! hee...sid: very vague...but i understand the times i really god feels...that is if he is really there...why do ppl worship someone whom they havent seen? its amazing to see how much trust they have in a an idol....strange are the ways of life we live!

  7. More than the post I like Chintan's interpretation haha :)
    As for the text- felt some vague connections then saw it was fiction and felt a li'l piqued. But over all, a good attempt.

  8. yeah I like the way Chintan commented im going for the third one..i guess the narrator is you

    Ok jokes apart,well written Sid..As usual you are really good in narration.. like I can already visualize those words

    Good job :)

  9. It has left everyone confused here.. :)

    That is the beauty of the post, I believe. Everyone can interpret in his own way..and everyone is correct. :D

  10. @Chintan: That's very impressive, and your list of interpretations is commendable and very apt. However, my imagination was none of these :)

    However, your versions work still. And as you insisted, I won't answer :)

    @live2cherish: I guess its everything...its the god in the temple, and within and anything else that resonates with the words...

    @KP: :) I don't know. I am also still struggling to make sense of the mess :)

  11. @Stuti: I guess you are right...

    @JV: I understand your point of view, its not easy for believers to understand non-believers. And sometimes the atheist is himself faced with doubts (just as a theist is faced with his own doubts)...

    @Shruti: I know its vague, I just wrote it the way it was in my head...just a set of images and floating words...

  12. @Crystal: I agree Chintan simplified the post for everyone! Damn her :))

    @theothersideofme: I am glad that you can, the images in my head were otherwise so distorted!

    @Kunal: You said it right, everyone is correct here :)

  13. Ok dont call me dumb, but I am confused. There are sooo many interpretations that I can give this one. An athiest living in the temple, a person who is fighting between faith and reality and what not!
    U r a pure genius!

  14. A soul trapped in his mind's hell seeks redemption!

    Dear God I better start praying for forgiveness :p

  15. I'm at loss of words. A profound post, kind of soul searching...

  16. Love the narration and the perspective...

  17. @RedHanded: I think its all right to be confused, because even I am pretty much still figuring things out...and your interpretation is close :)

    p.s. pls don't call me a genius, just a confused soul...

    @Purba: Haha...don't, there is no such thing as redemption :)

    @Saru: Thanks...surely soul searching, at lest for me...

    @Anindita: :) Thank you :)

  18. Did you write this in a fit of imagination, trying to stack out your inner conflicts with faith and facts??? Yes you must be...but I wonder how beautifully that God in the temple symbolizes the very "conflicts" (that's what I interpreted)...its too abstract...but the execution was close to the concrete...(though I had many reads to inweave different layers of my understanding)! I absolutely loved this...:)

  19. Hey Nasnin, maybe yes a fit of imagination...or some sort of hallucination.

    And btw I am completely sold to the idea of religion and how it can have such a profound impact on us...and the inherent dangers it represents.

    The post is closer to me than many others...and I am glad you liked it :)

  20. Loved your writing style.

    You left criticism on my blog, a while back, which was appreciated. Thanks for stopping by.

    Have a good day!

  21. The more i read you, more i realize the different facets and interpretations one can give to things happening around

  22. @Maryam: Thank you :)

    @Angie: That's true and I am really glad that you giving my blog and reading it :)

  23. I am so sorry ... I accidentally deleted your comment but i had liked it:(...dayumm!

  24. Wow is the word.. Is it the god, or a temple dweller or none? Or is it you?

  25. The pujari? Nice!

    Also, (I cannot help it):

    "No one lived here, but me"

    The comma is unnecessary, and in fact wrong.

  26. @Stuti: Not at all a problem, I will anyway keep writing ore comments on your blog :)

    @Chiniiz: Thank you, I guess its all of it, maybe including me as well...

    @Alok: Bang on got it right! :)

    As for the unusual punctuation, I guess I took much abused bloggers' licence here :) I wanted a small pause, at least that's how I visualized the thoughts...and hence the comma!

  27. wow, this one really hits home! Even my belief in God is almost faded by now. I'm not an atheist, I do believe he exists.... but I no longer believe he's always on my side, looking out for me. He's let too many bad things happen to me and punished me too many times.

    As a fellow tortured soul, I can also relate. Very well written, Sid!

  28. Its interesting to know your feelings about God...and am glad that you find some resonance in my writing. God and religion are such interesting, yet complicated subjects...

  29. This reminds me of how even though I extricated myself from it years ago, I still feel that good ole Catholic guilt every time I think about the church.

  30. Hey Brandon and Bryan, so great to see your comment here :)

    I guess religion has that everlasting impression on anyone who has even been a part of it...


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...